Love is...

Pfft...yeah, right.



"No, its not. Love is a big, flaming piece of bull shit in a brown bag that you left on your ex's doorstep after he leaves you for no good reason to screw some ugly bitch with a fat nose. Or a long nose, doesn't matter. That's what love is.

And as an actual rebuttal to this blog, I think that love is much, much more than the itty-bitty heart-warming gestures you experience in your time together. Love is living and breathing together, in and out, every day for something you both believe in. Otherwise, what's gonna hold the two of you together when the looks go? And the gestures turn to farts and bickers?"

I hate to sound like Debbie Downer (even though this post to a friend was intended to be a joke and I'm actually very happy for him and his girlfriend--believe it or not). I do believe that the little quirks and seemingly insignificant "cute" things certainly add spice and excitement to a relationship--but what thereafter? As much as I love to chuckle and kid with a boyfriend after random ice cream trips or by simply lying around and watching cars pass by--I simply cannot base my entire satisfaction with a relationship after these simple heart-warming bits. As a newly single-woman with too much time on my hands and too many dissatisfying pervert-boys chasing after me, I've had a lot of time to think these sort of things through. For a long time, I've been under the impression that so long as I loved someone for "who they are" and "the 'little' things they do", I could make miracles happen. This is no longer the case. For what is there to look forward to once the looks start to fade, the weight starts to gain, and the little quirks that once held you so tightly together begin to lose their pizazz? What will you be living for then? And let's just pretend, that by some divine miracle that those simple things still manage to keep you entertained--what, still, keeps you from pursuing another? It seems that without a common vision, belief, goal--call it what you must--there's no real "glue" to hold the two together. Knowing that your loved one is there to love, cherish, and hold you tight when all's gone awry is certainly comforting...but what for? Because let's face it, I feel just as grand with friend-boy as I do with best-friend, the only difference is I can kiss him and talk cutesy-romantic bull shit to him out simply because I feel comfortable. Doesn't seem like much of a difference to me. Come to think of it, the words "You're like one of the guys, 'cept I get to kiss you and stuff" are actually scribed on a card from an old boyfriend--those words never have sat very well with me and now I understand why. That was our only bond. There was a point in that relationship where I imagined a future with this young man. I envisioned a beautiful house by the sea, some kids, a big happy family, and Christmas photos with the family dog, cat, and ferret. But why? Hell if I know. Other than the contempt and security I felt in our relationship, both then and in the future, there was nothing to bond me to him entirely. We had separate visions--our outlooks on life were different. I guess, what I'm try to say, in the midst of all these seemingly non-sensical, jumbled thoughts and feelings is--without some foundation on the way in which you choose to live your life and why it is that you do so (much more than the simple excuse, "Well I'm happy and so are they"), you've got nothing. Let's face it, in the end we all die and return to dust. And although I believe in the ol' "you-only-live-once-why-not-have-a-hell-of-a-time?" way of life, there's got to be something more. There's got to be. There's just got to be a reason why we're all here, why our reproductive organs compliment one-another and allow us to spit out babies and start a family...and then die. I just hope to God that I find that reason, and live for that reason if/and when my significant other comes strolling along.

So, as an inconclusive conclusion to this random stream of thoughts:

1. What's the deal with my/his comfort? Don't matter. Its nice and all, but how and why we feel so at ease with one-another, aside from our obvious happiness, means a hell of a lot more than just the simple feeling of being comfortable around one-another. Make sense? Probably not.
2. I'm looking for meaning to this thing called life. I'd love it if I could share that voyage with someone.
3. I'm waiting patiently for Mr. Sunshine to come knocking on my door and sweep me off my feet--make me feel good, but more importantly, to make me feel as though there is something meaningful and grand to my simple existence. I want something lasting--something that doesn't fade with time and little, insignificant bickers here and there, but grows stronger as we gain understanding of one another through the world we live in--for what ever reason that may be. I want to live for something much more than life's simple pleasures. What lessons are to be learned? What sacrifices are to be made? What is to be gained out of my humble existence? And what happens next?
   

One day, one day. It'll all make sense.